Bowman, It’s Me, Lombardi (2/16/2012)

(This article was originally published by me as a guest author at the site called “Surly and Scribe”)

“Bowman, it’s me, Lombardi.”

“Fuck you Dean.”

“Thanks, Stan, appreciate you’re taking my call. Number 9, number 9, number 9…”

“Okay, we’re even. From now on I won’t mention Penner sitting for 4.25 million if you don’t bring up our losing streak again. Now what do you want.”

“I want Patrick Sharp.”

“For Kopitar? Deal.”

“For Bernier and Stoll. And, you’re gonna do it. Don’t jerk me off with sweeteners or other bullshit, I am serious. I am offering Bernier and Stoll.”

“Sharp is my top line guy, I’d be crucified.”

“Stan, think about it. Do you not need a goalie? Be serious. Crawford at .898 save percentage, Emery’s .899. No shutouts between ‘em. Goals against 2.99 and 2.82. You telling me that’s all Seabrook, Keith and Hjalmarsson? Like those guys suddenly suck? Even O’Donnell can’t be that bad. It’s goaltending.”

 

“Okay, you’re right. Crawford has been weak, but it’s just a tough stretch. Emery’s looking good.”

“First, he isn’t looking good, and second, he’s missing bones in his hips. How long’s he gonna last? Can we stop dicking around? You need a goalie, and I’ve got a good one.”

“So why am I gonna take Stoll? Stoll for Sharp?”

“Because at 27th in the league in goals against you need defense. You need a right handed faceoff man to replace Sharp. You need a more friendly cap hit next year, and if it doesn’t work out you don’t even resign Stoll and you take that money and shop around, but you still have an excellent goalie. It isn’t Stoll for Sharp, it’s Bernier¬†and¬†Stoll for Sharp.”

“No way, Dean, I can’t afford to lose those goals. Sharp has produced at .713 points per game since playing with the big clubs full time.”

“I know, that’s why I want him. I like the balance, too. 182 goals, 180 assists. I need those goals. And you, c’mon Stan, you guys are 5th in the league in goals per game, you need to swap some goals for some defense and Stoll is your guy. He can play the point on your power play like Sharp did, too. It’s a good fit for you Stan, you gotta admit. And, you get Bernier.”

“But Stoll is hurt, what good does that do me?”

“He’ll be fine by the deadline, it’s a small thing. Stoll is as durable as Sharp. They both played 90 percent of their games. Stoll will be fine and back winning shootouts and shutting down opponents in no time.”

“You’re an asshole Dean, I can’t believe I am even thinking about this.”

“Yeah, but you are thinking about it, aren’t you. It’s a good deal, we both need a shakeup. I got D and I need O. You, the opposite. We’re talking Bernier here, Stan, in a year or two he could go straight up for Sharp. And you need him. I throw in Stoll and you fill Sharp’s offensive spots with better defense. This is good for both of us, don’t screw this up.”

“Goddamn it Dean. Lemme call you back. Shit. I’ll call you back in twenty, lemme talk to Joel.”

After which, in the Kings war room:

“What do you think Dean, is he gonna go for it?”

“Darryl, he is gonna talk to Quenneville and they’re gonna come back asking for Bernier and Mitchell. We offer Bernier and Scuderi, but then we need Emery, too.”

Meanwhile, in the Blackhawk’s war room:

“Stan, if we’re gonna sacrifice offense for defense, let’s get some solid defense.”

“I agree. Let’s try to get Bernier and Mitchell, and if not we could settle for Bernier and Scuderi. If they balk, we throw in Emery.”

Twenty minutes later… “Lombardi, it’s me, Bowman.”

 

This entry was posted in Intended Humor. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>