Prolonged Exposure: Lombotomy 2/19/2012

(This article was originally published by me as a guest author at the site called “Surly and Scribe”)

[Meeting after the 1-0 loss to Calgary, the second consecutive game the Kings were shutout 1-0]

Sutter: “This isn’t gonna be a video breakdown today, boys. This is just a player’s meeting.”

Doughty: “Another meeting? Come on coach, we get it. It’s all Penner’s fault. How about we all play video games instead?”

Sutter: “Tits on a bull, Dougherty. I just got this message from some guy, must be a huge fan, because GM sent the message over…”

Doughty [leaning over to Richards]: “What does tits on a bull mean?”

Richards: [whispering to Drew] “He just called you an idiot.”

Doughty [shocked]: “Mother fu…”

Brown [to Kopi]: “Oooh, GM. Maybe we’re all getting a new car, like a Cadillac, what do you think?”

Kopi: “I think this is why I get paid more than twice what you do.”

Gagne: “Phone’s ringing.”

Sutter: “…it says here his name is Phil something. Weird last name…Ann…Ann Shits I think it’s pronounced. Huh. Must be Slovenian.”

[Everyone but Kopi laughs]

Sutter: “Wait, shut up, shut up, it’s not a fan. He works in sales. This is about ticket prices and how we have to win or nobody will renew their season tickets.”

Greene: “Ticket prices? All I can say is, they’re ridiculous. Costs me an arm and a leg to bring family every time we go to Detroit.”

Doughty: “Me too, I almost went broke in the Toronto game.”

Sutter: “Milk isn’t made at night boys. Don’t get stuck in the hayloft.”

Doughty [leaning to Richards again]: “What does that mean?

Richards: “He just called you an idiot again.”

Doughty: “Are you fucking serious?”

[Brown raises his hand]

Sutter: “What is it Brownie?”

Brown: “So what kind of car are we getting?”

[room is silent]

Gagne: “What is that buzzing sound?”

Sutter: “…this letter says we absolutely have to win because season ticket holders just got the new prices for next year. It goes on then, talking about marketing…marketing? You know anything about marketing, Dawtry?”

Doughty: “Not really coach. Simmer always did the shopping for us when he was here. I really miss him.”

Sutter: “Yeah, I am sure he really misses his token white guy too. Meanwhile, he has scored 21 goals while a certain someone has scored one in nearly a month.”

Richards [to Doughty]: “What do fuck do you think he means by that?”

Doughty: “He just called you an idiot.”

Sutter: “Look boys, even though you can’t sell land to a pond owner, you can sell him a pump when it rains…”

Brown: “I am so lost.”

Kopi [to Brown]: “Do you think you’ll enjoy Ohio?”

Brown: “What?”

Sutter: “Pay attention. They raised ticket prices but we keep losing and getting shutout at home. You can see how that would be a problem, right?”

Stoll: [Walks in the room and looks around]: “You guys are having a meeting? Why didn’t anyone tell me?”

[players put their heads down]

Brown [suddenly gets it]: “Hey coach, Kopi is implying I am getting traded to Columbus.”

Sutter: “As far as you’re concerned son, that’s what the C stands for…now does anyone have any ideas about how we can start winning?”

Doughty: “Why are they raising ticket prices? Seems unfair to the fans.”

Johnson: “You want the whole list or just the top 7 million? And what do you want ownership to do? Start giving away tickets?”

Doughty: “No. Giveaways are your specialty.”

Richards: “Settle down boys, this isn’t about salaries. This is about winning. The fans are upset. You guys read that Surly & Scribe site. Every other word is fuck. Fuck Murray. Fuck Lombardi. Fuck Brown.”

Johnson: “Yeah, but they like me…”

Sutter: “That’s because they’re fucking idiots. Look boys, pigs never argue about sloppy seconds.”

Doughty: “What?” [Sees Richards leaning over] “Shut up Mike!”

Sutter: “Please, guys, please. We all have one goal here.”

Quick: “On a good night, maybe.”

Loktionov: “Accordingk to my kalkulations, prices ups 268 rubles per matches. Nyet, ees no goot.”

Gagne: “Is that the doorbell?”

Sutter: “Look, I know these higher prices are gonna put more pressure on you guys but you’re professional athletes. You’re paid to win and we gotta win this next game.”

Brown: “Who are we playing?”

Greene: “Phoenix.”

Brown: “But we just played them. That doesn’t seem fair.”

Sutter: “Fair to who?”

Brown: “To you coach. You’ll be getting out coached twice in less than a week.”

Scattered murmuring in agreement and nodding of heads…

Sutter: “Look. All we need is more compete. We get more compete and we can win the next game.”

[Loktionov raises his hand]

Sutter: “What is it trade package?”

Loktionov: “English my sekond langooeeg koach but I tink compete is verb…”

[dead silence]

Terry Murray bursts into the room: “NOT IN MY HOUSE IT ISN’T BITCHES!”

[players scream and run for their lives. The room empties.]

Murray [walks up to Sutter and takes off his flesh toned mask revealing himself as Dean Lombardi]: “Ohhh my love…my darling,”

Sutter [takes off his mask revealing himself as Terry Murray]: “I’ve hungered for…your touch,”

Lombardi: “A long…lonely time,”

[they embrace]

Murray: “And time…goes by so slowly,”

Lombardi: “And time can do so much,”

Murray: “Arrrrre you…still minnnnnnnne?”

Lombardi: “I…need your love,”

Murray: “I…need your love,”

Lombardi: “God speed your love…tooooooo…meeeee…”

Scribe here. Surly and I have done a few projects together but I have never had the pleasure of one with our new writer, Player-X. So, when he completed his draft of a skit, several ideas hit me and what you just read was the result of our joint effort. Hope you enjoyed it. And now, for something completely different…



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