(This article was originally published at the site called “Surly and Scribe.” In this instance, I created the concept, artwork and the original draft, then submitted it to be published. Surly Jacob added his take, saying he “pepped it up some.” Here is the result of that collaboration.)
The following information is highly sensitive, shocking and difficult to look at as compiled here. I need your help deciphering this raw data obtained from extensive undercover investigation into the Vancouver Canucks natural origins. What we found was not natural.
I have obtained code-names and background information for some of the primary Canuck operatives, as shown below. We were on track to obtain even more detailed information, but sadly, our undercover operative was discovered when he dressed like a ‘green man’. We had forgotten to take his normal male endowment into consideration when attempting this impersonation. A costly and bloody mistake. Before his guise was compromised, he was able to obtain a dossier labeled “Operation Dive Team.”
Claiming the birthright of Sweden, Thing 1 and Thing 2 bookending this photograph have gone undetected for years, masquerading as human beings. This family photograph proves the true nature of their heritage. The grey humanoid is either their father as we understand parenthood, or as we have reason to believe, the single organism from which “Daniel” and “Henrik” were harvested in an alien cosmetic procedure known preliminarily as ‘forehead reconstitution.”
Prolonged exposure could result in cancer of the iris
Some refer to Ryan Kesler as “Mr. Selke.” In closer circles he is known as “Das Beak.” His country of origin is not yet fully known, though by matter of deduction we can presume it is grass and moss heavy due to the excessive shade provided by the proboscis of his people. He is pictured here with PeePaw Kesler and his Uncle Jimmy, under one of Ryan’s recent print ads. We believe an effort is underway to convert his nose into a hiding place for Maxim Lapierre, for instant use were Maxim ever in danger of having to back up his peskiness with actual courage.
(Ryan is the one in the middle.)
Alex Burrows has horse teeth, and uses them. We can not fault the beast, to the inhuman eye gloved fingers are easily mistaken for carrots. This may well be proof of research involving recombinant DNA. The data here also supports the long-held theory that Burrows is, in fact, a horse’s ass. It’s a tragedy, actually. For the horse.
Burrows was breast fed. Burrows’ mother no longer has breasts.
Alain Vigneault looks like a Sicilian hitman, until he talks, at which point he sounds like a hamster. In this photo he is either yawning or communicating with Burrows from the previous picture. Clearly a secret code language is being used. We can also determine from this photo that large, ugly noses are crucial in decoding these messages.
When I first heard that “Luongo sucks”, I had thought those speaking the words, generally his own fan base, were referring to his play on the ice. It turns out they were merely mentioning his method for feeding. Some claim that vampires and other supernatural beasts are asexual, a claim we and Anne Rice vehemently protest. We were not able to find photographic evidence of Luongo’s sexual nature, but we do have sworn testimony from those who sit behind the goal posts that there is a sour aroma wafting towards them whenever he is in nets. When considered in conjunction with his bitchiness, this aroma can be reasonably assumed to be emanating from his vagina.
I await your findings. Payments may be made directly to my account, but no Canadian dollars, please. The Password is Canuck Nyuk. All funds will go towards spiking the Vancouver water supply with testosterone to help prevent another riot. You may think that testosterone will only hurt the cause, but when you factor in that the male population of Vancouver has an abnormally high ‘little bitch’ quotient, it will actually level things out.